Tag Archives: leaving


Going abroad, whether to live or to work, has never been part of the things I see myself doing in the future. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why whenever I try to imagine Canada, I couldn’t picture myself basking in the snow, or bundled up in warm clothes walking to work, or just about anything that would put me in that scenario.

But, it could also be because I did NOT want to think about leaving…

For the past month since we got our Visa, I’ve been trying to escape the anxiety and distress. Always looking for a diversion to get my mind as far away as possible from the thought of all my loved ones who’ll be left behind. I bought all these books so I can bury myself in its adventures and not think about my own story; I tried playing all these games again in Facebook… but they didn’t help.

Then I remembered a conversation I had with Tita Oh when I was still undecided about the whole thing. She just told me that I wasn’t getting any younger and that this is a lucky break for me. That I need to grab this opportunity by the balls because I might regret it if I don’t.

She’s right. I am not getting any younger, and at 35 I have always made decisions that are expected of me. But life is also about taking risks. Sometimes it pays to just let go and see where life brings you. As Carrie Underwood’s song goes:

Jesus,take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go.

And if He steers me to Canada, then Canada it is!

At least Gayl and Angel will be with me, and when things don’t work out for us out there, we can still come home with our heads held high knowing that we tried.



Days have passed,
The weeks just flying by,
But this feeling of unease
Seem to be getting stronger.

First I thought I dread the date
when a year will be added to my age…
But that day came and went,
Still couldn’t shake the apprehension.

Then I thought it was just that time of the month,
PMSing has always been an emotional culprit
For most of my mood swings anyway…
Well, I guess it wasn’t the cause of this unknown feeling.

Work has suffered,
Had no drive to do anything.
Was just being reactive
Doing what needs immediate action.

Then the other night,
My partner told me something
That made my heart leap and sink all at the same time…

My feet went cold,
My ears felt hot.
Dizzy with the speed of things,
I wanted to throw up.

This is it!
This is where all my angst is coming from!
This feeling of fear and panic and agitation,
Coupled by excitement, and thrill and adventure!

No, not yet…
It’s too soon
I’m not prepared
Physically and emotionally

So much to do,
Stuff to pack,
People to talk to…
Say goodbye.

Can’t say goodbye yet…